I’m having an affair with your wallet.

Dear john,

I want to be honest with you, so that there are no misunderstandings.  I don’t love you, I don’t even like you, and I never did.  I think you are weak, pathetic, and a miserable excuse for a man.  You can’t satisfy me and you never had a chance.  My voracious appetite knows no limits, I need to feel free, and frankly, I’m too good for you.

I’m superior and you are inferior.  There is no debate to that fact, it’s just the simple truth.  This is why I’ve been having an affair.  I’ve been cheating on you the whole time! It was never you, it was always your wallet… your big , fat, plump juicy wallet.  That’s what I want.

Your wallet is the only thing about you that can please me in the slightest.  The only thing about you that turns my head, that is worthy of my time, that is deserving of my touch.  Your wallet is weak for me, it knows its place, its call of duty, it belongs inside me, inside my velvet purse. Your wallet excites me when it weeps tears of joy as I fuck it. I love to hear it moan money as I milk it,  and when it finally spurts out those last few dollars, that is when I have a true orgasm at your expense.

I know you’ll stick around, you’re a doormat and I don’t expect anything to change, but now you know the truth.  Your love for me is unrequited, but you will always keep me in your life as long as you keep your wallet full for me.  Have a nice day at the office, sweetie, I’ll be out shopping. 

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